SLROC Forum
General Category => GENERAL CHAT => Topic started by: Dom. on May 24, 2009, 12:21:53 PM
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any one with any good jokes?
Post them for everyone to see
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mind n keep thm clean tho lol
thts half my joke list banned for a start :-[ :-[
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as the two friends wandered through the snow piglet grined to himself thinking how lucky he was to have a friend like pooh. pooh thaught to himself if the pig sneezes hes bloomin dead :)
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Saw an advert in a magazine recently:
"Buy this car and get a Gibson Les Paul guitar completely free; no strings attached!"
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Thats probably why its free, i thought, if there's no strings attached ::) ::)
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After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
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Sorry mate, I thing all my jokes would get me banned from the site :P
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yeah, mine too. ::) :P
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i never remember any jokes
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Hillbilly couple walking out of the divorce court, the woman is crying her eyes out, the man rolls his eyes and hands her a handkerchief,
"For God's sake stop crying woman..... you're still my sister....."
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Ok i stole it from another forum but.....
TRANSLATING THE HAYNES MOTOR MAINTENANCE MANUALS
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
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What day in the year causes most confusion in a certain district in Glasgow?
Fathers Day ;D ;D ;D
Two men meet on a street in Glasgow. "Hi Jim how you doing? and I see you have just lost a shoe"
2nd Man reply's " Am well and no I just found only one on the street"
Many years ago there was a bible salesman in Glasgow who had to increase sales due to an impending visit of a holy leader.
Placing an ad in the Glasgow Evening paper he got only three reply's!
Deciding to interview each one he arranged to met them at his office later in the week.
The first applicant arrived and was an out of work double glazing salesman Ah thinks the biblesalesman atleast he has sales experience so he offers him a job and gives him a box of bibles telling him to come back in a week.
The second applicant was a university lecturer who was looking for some extra money. Mmm thinks the bible salesman not much experience but if he sells even 5 bibles in a week then it is five more. So off he is sent and asked to come back in a weeks time.
The 3rd applicant arrives well dressed but has a stammer when speaking. Mm the bible salesman thinks against taking him on but as he needs all the sales before the holy visit he descides to employ him also. Again another box of bibles is handed out and he is also asked to return in a week.
A week later and all three arrive at the office the bible salesman asks the ex double glazing man how many bibles did you sell? "Well I managed to sell only only half the box of bibles"
"Not bad cosidering that each box contains 80 bibles and on a good week I usually sell about 40" recounts the biblesales man.
"And how many did you sell?" he asks the uni lecturer
Well I sold only 15 bibles as most people I spoke to already had one"
"Not bad but try and be more direct in selling this week"
Now scratching his head the bible salesman turns to ask the man with the stammer how he got on
"Aaahh well verryyy gooood I have solllld the compleeete box" he reply's
"The complete box !!!" repeats the bible salesman who has never in all his years sold that amount in a week
"How did you manage such great sales" ask the bible salesman
"Ahh well I weennnt too the dooor and rannnng the belll. On answering theirrr doooor I just asskkked iff "wouulld like tooo buyy a biblee or willl I readddd it toooo youuuu" ;D ;D ;D ;D
The above has been one of my party pieces and you can keep it going by doing more of the interview with the third applicant. :D :D :D
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afraid i dont have many new jokes, see i believe in protecting the enviroment so i usualy recycle old ones
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Most Arabs don't understand the Flintstones but the folk in Abu Dhabi do.
:-\
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So Landrover decided to do something about build quality and sent a team over to Japan to see how Toyota and Suzuki did things. The quality manager at Toyota explained that they were very keen on quality and that one good measure of a vehicles build standard was the fit of the panels and how well the doors closed. He said they tested this by closing all the windows and doors on a car before locking a cat in it overnight. If the seals were good the cat would have snuffocated by morning....
Aha said the Brummies, We'll try that on a 110 back home..... so they duely grabbed a moggy that was hanging about the yard and stuck it in the back of the station wagon, slammed the doors, rang Toyota to tell them what was going on - and headed off home.
Next morning the helpful chap at Toyota is on the phone, did the cat survive the test ?.... " Bit of a problem" says Lode Lanes finest...."Not sure....we can't find the cat ".
I'll get my coat...
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8) A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The farmworkers union heard that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to investigate the matter.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the union rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him ?200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her ?150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the local half-wit. He works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about ?10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I need to talk to...the half-wit,' says the rep.
'That would be me then' replied the farmer...... ::) ::)
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8) Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was very handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
"I think I am going to have a little broom!."
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom-broom.
Are you ready for this? Brace yourself ; this is going to hurt!!!!!!!!!!
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER ! " :P
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8) Last one for now
........................... two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamebob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'. ::)
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2 Irish lads arrive in Liverpol and head for the station.
Walking up to the ticket window Mick asks for "2 singles to Jepardy please"
Man in ticket office reply's "there is no such place"
"sure there must be ...look at that newspaper it claims 100 jobs in jepardy" ok ok not the best
Two Irsh guys arrive in England looking for work. They see that a local mine is needing miners so they apply and are asked to attend an interview with the foreman.
Mick is in first and after showing he has all the necessary experience the foreman is impressed. Offering him a job Mick is just about to leave his office when the foreman asks
"Tell me Mick what type of lamp did you use in your last mine"
Mick thinks fast and reply's " well just an ordinary one attached to my helmet"
"good " reply's the foreman and tells Mick he will be in touch.
Outside Mick meets Paddy and tells him about the interview and also the final question stressing that they need atleast one of them to get the job.
Paddy is then interviewed by the foreman and he also recounts his knowledge and experience.
"Good" says the foreman "And can you start on monday?"
"Aye to be sure that will be fine" reply's Paddy.
Getting up to leave the office the foreman asks Paddy
"Just before you go Paddy tell me what type of lamp did you use"
Paddy knowing this question was going to be asked sat back down and composed himself.
"Well you see Sir I did not use a lamp in all the years I was down the mines"
"Did not use a lamp in all those years? Tell me Paddy what did you use?"
Paddy then reply's "Well you see Sir I was lucky I was always on the day shift so I did not need one"
;D ;D ;D ;D
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How do you confuse an Irshman?
Put 2 shovels against a wall and ask him to take his PICK
Put him in a barrel and tell him to P?? in the corner
How do you know an Irish milk bottle?
They have "open other end" on the bottom
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Again taken from another forum
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU OWN A LANDROVER ?
* When you occasionally find rust flakes in your ears.
* If you keep these strange Imperial-thread bolts in your pocket in case the dashboard falls off.
* If WD40 has a higher priority on the household budget than milk.
* When your husband starts referring to you as "my ex-", although you are still married.
* If your bathtub bears a sign: "Not suitable for engine blocks".
* When you dream of burned Lucas electrics when your wife smokes a cigarette in bed
* If even Essex girls turn you down after they`ve seen your car.
* If 10 lbs of of prime top soil fall on the tarmac when you smack your door shut
* If you store K&N air filter cleaning liquid under the kitchen sink because you need it so often
* When you drive in shorts in the flemish winter to avoid wet jeans.
* If nobody parks next to you on a Saturday supermarket parking lot
* If only the African immigrants greet you in town
* If your kitchen table shows marks of engine blocks.
* When you can't find any clothes without battery acid holes or engine oil stains
* If you wonder why it smells so funny if you throw a cig butt on the floor of a rental car
* If you start every conversation in the vehicle with "one, two, test" to check the intercom
* When even Russians don't believe your truck is only 20 years old
* When there are more tools in the truck than in your house
* If you think it's essential to carry 20 litres of water at all times, even in Belgium
* If the only two shops you know in town are the parts dealer and the tool shop
* When you decide on weekend plans in bed and the alternatives are grease-up or fix the radiator
* If you buy rear mirrors in bulk at the farmer's union shop
* When the GPS in your vehicle has the main purpose to replace the speedo and odometer
* When you are surprised that the M.O.T. mentions the condition of your seats in the report
* If you wonder why the moss in your truck's inner window sills is greener than your lawn
* When you are used to switch off headlights before indicating right because they interfere
* If all your jacket pockets and belt loops are torn by LR door locks
* When your handbag contains pliers, multimeter, Swisstool, insulation tape, 30 amps fuses, compass, imperial bolts and a torch
* If you only dare to use the coin operated car wash on a dark Sunday night
* If friends don't want you to show up in the afternoon because they got visitors but then they call you at 8 AM on a Sunday morning when they're stuck in the forest.
* when other girls give you a 1 1/8" socket as a present -and they know you love it
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Last one for now:
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy - 'Get an ambulance here quick, Mick's bleedin' from his
nose and his ears and oi tink both his legs are bust'
Operator - 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy - 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street '
Operator - 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.
After a minute:-
Operator - 'Are you there sir?'
Silence.
A minute later:-
Operator - 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'
This goes on for another few minutes until:-
Operator - 'Sir, please answer me.. Can you still hear me!!?'
Paddy - 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round the corner
to number 3, Oak Street '. That's O.....A......K
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I think there should be a rule that copying and pasting from LRUK or other forums should be discouraged.
geoff :P
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Who is copying and pasting I have never seen or heard these GREAT jokes ;D ;D ;D
This is a great thread need to keep this one going ;) ;) ;)
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i admit to 'recycling' jokes, its good for the enviroment
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it doesnt hurt anyone. keep them coming. ;D
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i admit to 'recycling' jokes, its good for the enviroment
so do I, Jumbo, :o
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Troops,
As I suspected, it would only be a matter of time until we had stuff here which is going downhill. If you are unable to create or find jokes fit for all to read - including children - then please post elsewhere. I have deleted two posts which were unsuitable.
And before someone has a moan about censorship that's what a moderated forum is.
Sandy.
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dont disagree bout keeping things 'clean' however everyone does have diferent standards. after all to some folk 'f'ing n blinding is normal talk, sometimes dont even realise they could be causing offence yet some folk still offended by 'oh drat' if they really wana get picky on something. only have to look at tht picture u posted yourself sandy to see where problems could come from. cant seem to see anywhere on the forum tht lists acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. i know it sounds petty but maybe setting some basic rules for everyone to read, even if its stating the obvious ie dont swear, watch use of f*** , is it really nescesary to say tht even 'edited'? racist out obviously but remind the seemingly innocent can be miss-interpreted, remind users kids do view these posts can inuendo be too rude?. maybe some basic rules could be listed thn folk wont have reasons for posting offensive items sayin they didnt know or if they do they realise they could be removed, on extreme occasions the user could be removed. have this linked to the main page where folk cant miss it. just my pennies worth, remove from jokes page by all means only posting here cause feel its relevent
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i agree, there is no rules set out for any member to abide by, maybe some guidlines are needed as there can be no arguments afterwards. make it a sticky so all can see.
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and just to ruin the good jokes
If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day? ::)
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"What do you mean by coming home half drunk," screamed the angry wife.
The husband shouted back, "it's not my fault - I ran out of money."
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oh dear. ::)
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warned u before my jokes were bad, they known in local circles as 'jumbo jokes' :-[ ;D
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you never warned me. they bring tears to my eyes. real ones. :'( lol
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ok 2 secs i update my profile to say i come with a health warning on bad jokes :P
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at least if they were recycled then you could always blame someone else lol. ;D
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ok changed my profile page ;D
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well about time. ;D ;D ;D :P
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8) 40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying:
'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy
and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the flipping gates! :P
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8) paddy in jail,officer looks in his cell & see's him hanging by his feet , says to paddy what the heck you doin!? killing meself he says
officer says it should be around the neck you thick idiot! paddy says i tried that but i could'nt breath ::)
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Just back home after the preverbal 11 hour shift all work, except the 10 min chat with Skeet1300 or Sandy, and first thing was to look at joke section. Yeep there are some here that bring tears to my eyes and as Python says "real tears"
Will add another later ;D ;D
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Knock Knock Who's there?
Ammonia
Ammonia who
Ammonia little kid ;D ;D ;D
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Ok I am going to post this and see who comes up with the "Best Joke Answer"
There is an answer Ryan tellls me but if somebody comes up with a funnier one then I will donate ?10 to the charity of their choice after, the next the next ten minutes of posting, ok I will make it the next GRR
And to ensure a non bias judge I will let Ryan judge the winner.
OK so
"What is out of bounds" ?????
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Ok so last one for tonight or should that be this morning
At the local quiz the compare ask "How many fish can you name that start and end with the same letter"
Mmm thinks the assembled audience fish start end...
So the compare gives them some help by giving them an example
"Trout starts with a T and ends with a T"
Minutes later and no answers comming from the audience the compare suggests again another
"What about Kilmarnock? Starts and ends with a K"
The audience are quiet for a moment and them somebody shouts out "Kilmarnock thats not a fish it s a town"
"Really" says the compare "I thought it was a PLAICE in Ayrshire"
Ok I will quit when ahead ;D ;D ;D
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ok quite but dont think ur ahead ....groan....... ;D
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First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What the heck is this?
Farmageddon?
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Being married is like being in the witness protection scheme.
You get new clothes, a new home, a new hair cut and you're not allowed to see your old mates any more.
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What do you call a woman that doesn?t nag?
Rumour.
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God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "oh no!!!terrible!!!! this'll have to wear make up!"
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I was driving along and I saw a massive billboard advertising one of the national newspapers.....
I thought to myself 'That's a sign of the Times'
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Black Tarmac and Red Tarmac decide to go for a beer down the local. They have just sat down when Green Tarmac comes bursting through the door, demands a large scotch and then head-butts the barman in the face for no reason. Red says to Black, you better watch him, he's a cycle-path.
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I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Mr Cook?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "That's rubbish, 'cause my dog doesn't have a bike!"
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In front of the congregation the minister high up in his pulpit produced two glasses.
Into both he placed two worms.
In one glass he poured water and into the other he poured whisky.
In the water glass, the worm swam about quite happily.
In the whisky glass, the worm wriggled for a short while then died.
"Now, members of the congregation, can you tell me what this means?"
A voice echoed from the rear of the Church.
"If you drink whisky, you won't get worms!"
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I "had" any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
__________________________________________________
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?
Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
You are a British politician, right?
_________________________________________________
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
________________________________________________
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of colic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now its alcoholic
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A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly . The funeral co said it will cost ?5k to ship her home or ?500 to bury her there . The husband says to ship her home . The undertaker said "but sir why dont you bury her here in the Holy Land and save the money ?" . The husband says " Look , a long long time ago a guy died here and 3 days later he rose from the dead .......... I ain't takin that chance !!!!" :D
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_GnkweYzzI&feature=email (ftp://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_GnkweYzzI&feature=email)
;D
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This is a pretty neat test, check it out. This test is based on how cool you were in Secondary School...
.............what crowd you ran with music tastes etc. it's pretty accurate.
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm (ftp://http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_GnkweYzzI&feature=email (ftp://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_GnkweYzzI&feature=email)
;D
This thread has been started for jokes not web links
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This is a pretty neat test, check it out. This test is based on how cool you were in Secondary School...
.............what crowd you ran with music tastes etc. it's pretty accurate.
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm (ftp://http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)
Same statement applies
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This is a pretty neat test, check it out. This test is based on how cool you were in Secondary School...
.............what crowd you ran with music tastes etc. it's pretty accurate.
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm (ftp://http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm)
Same statement applies
Please dont tell me you thought that school test was for real! It / they ARE jokes!!
Sheesh, we've got lumps of it out the back.
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You might need to copy and paste the links Dom :-\
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8) A little old lady dials 999 and asks for the fire brigade.
When the dispatcher asks what is wrong, she says "five hairy bikers are climbing up a ladder trying to beak in and molest me"
"Don't you mean you want the police?" asks the dispatcher.
"No, says the little old lady - send the fire brigade, their ladder isn't long enough!" ::)
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8) > >> Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you
> >> might want to consider this... A husband and wife are travelling
> >> by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .After almost ten hours on
> >> the road, they're too tired to continue and they
> >> decide to stop for a rest.
> >>
> >> They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they
> >> only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
> >> road.When they check out four hours later, the desk
> >> clerk hands them a bill for $450.00.
> >> The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
> >> high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice
> >> hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.When the
> >> clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
> >> speaking to the Manager.
> >> The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
> >> that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge
> >> conference centre that were available for the husband
> >> and wife to use.
> >>
> >> 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
> >> 'Well, they are here, and you could have,explains the Manager.
> >>
> >> He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
> >> shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best
> >> entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas
> >> perform here,' the Manager says.'But we
> >> didn't! go to any of those shows, 'complains the man
> >> again.'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the
> >> Manager replies.No matter what amenity the Manager
> >> mentions! the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
> >>
> >> The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
> >> agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the
> >> Manager.The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
> >> cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque
> >> is only made out for $50.00.' 'That'scorrect,' says
> >> the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
> >> wife.''But I didn't!' exclaims theManager.
> >> Well, too bad,' ! the man replies. 'She was here and you could have! ::)
-
8) A policeman interrogates three blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well, uh, thats because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
-
My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as "me and my smelly bum."
Well, I don't like him sleeping on the street.
-
As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog poo all over my shoes.'
-
We in the UK are in DEEP trouble...
The population of this country is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired.
That leaves 28 million to do the work.
There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan.
Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.
Leaving 512,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
-
I like the concept but the numbers are a tad suspect - 1.2m in the military is way out for a start. The Army is currently at just under 100k, with about 30k TA.
That said there do seem to be an army of MOD civil servants, all happily creating more paperwork and digging deep into the elf and safety legislation to find novel ways to stop us training.
rant mode off....
G.
-
A relevant rant.
It appears to me we cant even look after the men/women we have. >:(
-
What do you call a Muslim desperate for a drink?
Allah Vabeer
-
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender seems shocked and says, "Mate, we don't serve your kind in here, you'll have to leave."
The piece of rope walks outside, ties himself up and ruffles up his hair.
He walks back in and says, "Can I have a beer please, mate?"
The bartender says, "No worries" and starts pouring the beer. About halfway through, he stops and says, "Hold on... aren't you that piece of rope that just came in here?"
The rope says, "Nah mate, I'm a frayed knot."
-
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.
The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and so on down the list.
Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret.
"Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."
-
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yes, three males and two Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He replied, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
-
Students, cause chaos in your town. Wait until you spot some young lads from the council digging up the road.
Call the police and tell them there are some students, dressed as roadworkers, digging up the road for a bet.
Then approach the roadworkers, and tell them that some students, dressed as policemen, are going to try to arrest them.
Get a deckchair and enjoy the action.
-
I like the concept but the numbers are a tad suspect - 1.2m in the military is way out for a start. The Army is currently at just under 100k, with about 30k TA.
That said there do seem to be an army of MOD civil servants, all happily creating more paperwork and digging deep into the elf and safety legislation to find novel ways to stop us training.
rant mode off....
G.
Thats a valid point all the health and safety regs. are disgracefull i mean how are they going to fight a war if they cant train what will happen when they get to that war shout at the enemy stop i need to do my risk to personal health checks i mean its the military this shouldn't happen oh ok checklist u should need
Body armour. Helmet. Balistic goggles. Weapon. Bayonet. Webbing. Ammo. Clothes. No health and safety regs. Its war live with it health board people
Rant over
Dom.
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7w41n3qZpU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7w41n3qZpU)
Funny as hell
-
Two blondes are flying to america. There about two hours into the flight when the pilot come over the intercome and say's " im sorry everyone but we have lost one engine. it's ok though, as we have three more - it will just take an hour longer."
A little while later the pilot says "I'm afraid we've just lost another engine. But it's alright, as we still have two more. It'll just add another half an hour to our journey."
At this point, one of the blondes turns to the other and says, "For goodness sake if we loose the other two engines we will be up here all day."
-
For those of you who who fancy a holiday with a differance......
......Air France are now doing flights to the Titanic
-
Revival Meeting
Leroy goes to the Revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to
come forward to the front at the altar.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy,
what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other
hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and
asks Leroy:
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
geoff :P
-
At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.
The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermen and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian Wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.
When the day of the big fight arrived, the British showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for us. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the centre of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Brits dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
The Russians approached the British trainers, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Doberman and Rottweiler's. They developed a killing machine."
"Really?" the Brits replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working solidly for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund...."
-
There's a first time for everything.
Except deja vu.
-
my grandads just been diagnosed with parkinsons disease ............ so thats why hes been going round for years interviewing people
-
In this mad world of political correctness is a mail man a person person?
-
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn't suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn't cut it as barber, didn't have the patience to be a doctor, didn't fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
-
I got a job as a hangman's apprentice the other day.
The boss said he'd show me the ropes.
-
There's a first time for everything.
Except deja vu.
I think i've heard this one before...
-
told you before, i believe in protecting the enviroment. i recycle old jokes
-
I went to see a couple of clairvoyants last week but wasn't impressed with either.
One was depressed and the other couldn't take a joke.
I'm trying to find a happy medium.
-
Welsh Blonde
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the young blonde waitress,
?Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly??
The blonde leaned over and said, ?Burrr ? gurrr ? king.?
8)
-
Some American guy was boasting to me about the size of his Country.
"You can board a train in Texas and, twenty-four hours later, you could still BE in Texas!" he said.
"Yes," I said. "We've got trains like that over here, too."
-
A doctor regularly has a drink at this bar after office hours. Every night the same thing, a daiquiri with an almond in it. One night he orders the regular and the bartender is a bit annoyed to find that they are out of almonds. Not wanting to lose a good customer he scrounges around and finally comes up with a hickory nut and serves that in the daiquiri, thinking the doctor wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the doctor picks up on it right away and asks, "what the heck is this?"
The quick thinking bartender replied "that's a hickory daiquiri doc."
-
A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.
"When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."
what!!!!!!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?"
-
A film crew is on location in the Arizona desert. One day an old Indian goes up to the director and says, "Tomorrow rain". The next day it rains. Next day the Indian goes up to the director and says, "Tomorrow storm" The next day there's a hailstorm. The director is impressed and hires the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian doesn't show up for two weeks. Finally, the director sends for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," he says. "What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugs his shoulders and says, "Don't know. Radio is broken."
-
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
-
:) :) :) ;D loved that last one
-
dont be getting any ideas ya legal eagle ;) ;) lol
know what your like with your wheeling n dealing
-
An American tourist in London was waiting to cross a busy road via a pedestrian crossing. After a moment, the lights changed to red, the green man showed, and the beeper sounded.
Confused, the American looked at a local and asked, "I say there, what's with that noise?"
"It's to let blind people know that the lights have changed," came the reply.
"Gee!" exclaimed the American. "Back home in the good old US of A, we don't let the blind drive."
-
Cleaning the house: ?350
Fixing the swimming pool: ?1,500
A new home: ?240,000
For everything else, there's being an MP.
-
Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.
The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger."
The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick."
The third is unimpressed and laughs, " Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest."
"How?" the others ask.
"He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2.
-
I was in the doctors earlier and said , doc i think im a cowboy , he replied , "how long have you felt like that" i said "a yeehaarr ::)
-
*True Story*
I was working on the fruit and veg section at work when a Chinese lady came walking up to me.
"excuxe me where you keep peppers" she said, so i showed her
"excuse me, where you keep ginger" she said, so i showed her
"excuse me, where you keep mushroom" she said, so i showed her
"excuse me where you keep Cimma" she said...................
I looked at her puzzelled and she repeated "Where you keep Cimma"
I asked to look at the packet and burst out laughing when it said
Add peppers, ginger, mushrooms and simmer!
-
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-
bwahahawahhawa typical yanks ;D
-
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
-
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
-
I came home from work yesterday and found my wife in the kitchen shaking frantically, in a dancing like frenzy, with some kind of wire running from her waist towards the electric kettle. To jolt her away from the deadly current I immediately smacked her with a plank of wood, breaking her arm in 2 places.
Turns out she was only listening to her Walkman.
-
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
-
Doug, can I just say I downloaded your avatar pic as I couldn't work out what it was. Zoomed in and had a real good chuckle lol
-
Doug, can I just say I downloaded your avatar pic as I couldn't work out what it was. Zoomed in and had a real good chuckle lol
provided by hairy mcewan lol
-
(http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr302/jumbo110/bitextreme.jpg)
-
I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"
She said, "Yes, sir."
So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"
-
I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.
I'm living on borrowed thyme.
-
Bored this summer? Thinking of taking the family out? Something cheap you say?
Why not take a used disposable camera and visit your nearest speed camera? Discretely hit the flash on your camera as slow moving vehicles drive by and watch as the fun and confusion explodes onto the scene.
-
A mate of mine has just told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her
twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
:-*
-
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"
"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bloke and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"
:)
-
Did you hear on the news about Malcolm the psychic midget who escaped from prison??
He's a small medium at large
-
I think my wife's getting fed up with my love of golf.
At half eleven last night she screamed at me: "Golf, Golf, Golf, All you ever think about is Golf "
Which isn't the sort of thing you expect to hear on the 14th Hole at that time of night!
And:
Well i'm not saying our house is dirty, but you need to wipe your feet before you leave.
:D
-
3 4x4 drivers go to heaven. The 1st man approached the pearly gates & St Peter asks "What did you drive back on earth?". The man replies "I drove a Vauxhall Frontera". St Peter replies " Well I am afraid you cannot enter and it is off to hell with you". The 2nd man approaches and again St Peter asks "What did you drive back on earth?", The man replies "I drove a Toyota Hilux". St Peter replies " Well I am afraid you cannot enter and it is off to hell with you". The 3rd man approaches and St Peter again asks " What did you drive back on earth?". The man replies "I drove a Land Rover". St Peter replies "Well in that case you are more than welcome as you've been to hell already!" ;D
-
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D like it tam
-
My son has been getting these really bad headaches.
I keep telling him, "Feet first when you get out of bed."
-
Top Recession Busting Tip:
Dont waste your money on an 'A to Z' when you only ever go from A to B anyway.
-
JOHN: I've had two failed marriages, i'll never get married again
DAVE: whys that?
JOHN: the first wife died because she ate poisoned mushrooms.
DAVE: what about the second wife?
JOHN: she died of a fractured skull
DAVE: seriously?, how come?
JOHN: she wouldn't eat her mushrooms
-
What were King Harold's last words?
"I spy with my little eye something beginning with A"
-
My wife answered the phone last night: "I'm sorry" she said, "You should try ringing the coastguard, or maybe the Met Office.", and put the phone down.
"Who was that?" I asked.
"A wrong number" she replied, "Some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear."
-
Been off here for a while but I am glad to see there is still the high standard of contributions
-
Yeah same
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cm1r3d2Qw4&NR=1
-
A man buys a brand new Ferrari Enzo costing him ?500,000 and pulls up at a set of traffic lights and along comes an old man on a moped and stops beside him.
The old man looks at the car and says to the man would you mind if I had a wee nosey Inside.
The man says yes,
So the old man sticks his head in through the window and says to the man that?s a Very nice car you got their, But I think I will stick to my moped.
The man feeling rather insulted by this decides when the lights go green he going to floor it and show the old man what it could do.
So the lights turn green and he puts the foot to the floor right up to 60 mph, then looks in his mirror and see?s a small dot coming up fast. Whoosh the old man fly?s past, the guy can?t believe it so he puts foot down again and gets right up to 140 mph over taken old man again.
He looks in his mirror and here the old man is again and go?s flying past him.
So the guy takes it right up to the max 215 mph and go?s past old man again.
He see?s the old man appearing again coming up fast and slams his breaks on and the old man crashes into him and comes flying off the bike.
The guy runs out to the old man and says ?Is their anything I can do??
The old man struggling to reply says ?Can you unhook my braces off your car wing mirror?
-
The Police have finally admitted that the shooting of Jean-paul De Menezes in that tube station was not as much of an accident as first thought. They were really after his brother Dennis.
-
Gene that's shockin glad your looking after us
-
INTERNET WARNING
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Cherie Blair,"
don't open it....
It contains a nude photo of Cherie Blair.
-
A man at my door said, "I'm from Everest double glazing."
I said, "I've got double glazing!"
"I know," he said, "we fitted it two years ago but you haven't made a payment yet."
I replied, "You said it would pay for it's self in eighteen months."
-
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie Wonder replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'
Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now.'
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right.'
Tiger says, 'You play golf?'
Wonder says, 'Oh, yes, I've been playing for years.'
Woods says, 'But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'
Wonder replies, 'I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his
voice.'
But how do you putt?' asks Woods.
'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward
his voice.'
Woods asks, 'What's your handicap?'
Stevie says, 'Well, I'm a scratch golfer.'
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'
Wonder replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.'
Woods thinks about it and says, 'OK, I'm for that, when would you like to
play?'
Stevie says, 'Pick a night.'
:P
-
What's the name of the Russian guy who invented a cure for the common cold?
Benylin Forchestikov.
-
An Aberdonian walks in to a baker and asks "Is that a pavlova or a meringue?"
The quine behind the counters says "Naw - yer right enough, it's a pavlova". ;D
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A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scatch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."
No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!
"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"
"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.
"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."
"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,
"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"
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I asked my son: "What do you want from Santa Claus this year?"
He replies: "A bike, an iPod, football boots, a Scotland strip and a Nintendo Wii."
"Deary me," I smile, "when I was your age, all I got was an apple and an orange."
"That's not bad," says my son, "a computer and a mobile phone."
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A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
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Why did the baker have brown fingers?
He was kneading a jobby! :D
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lightened the mood when voting yesterday by shouting out from the cubicle "Erm excuse me, there's no toilet roll in this one"
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When I was growing up, my mum always told me to save my money for a rainy day and I've always tried to live like that.
Unfortunately I live in Aberdeen so the most I've managed to save so far is ?1.20.
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Good radio clip:
http://tv.muxlim.com/video/oQK13UM3YzI/ ... and-drive/
geoff :)
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she should be in charge of the GRR and TYRO she is perfect
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Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Where the f**k do you get seven from you stupid twat?
Paddy: Because I've f***ing got 1 at home ya p***k!
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Sorry for the f**k word appearing I thought I blanked that out, looks like I'm a twat like paddy
James
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Scientists have discovered that beer and lager contains female hormones.
To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints of beer, suddenly they started to talk sh*te, gained weight, had a strong urge to moan and couldnt drive ;D
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The following squads have just been announced for the 2010 World Cup
BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Pinnochio
Libero
Vimto
Cheerio
Scenario
Portfolio
Momento
Borneo
Subbuteo
Fellatio
Tango
SUBS:
Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
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The Black Bra
(as told by a woman)
I had Lunch with 2
of my unmarried friends.
One is Engaged, one
is a mistress, and I have been
Married For
20+ years.
We were chatting about our
relationships and decided
to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door
wearing a black
bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our
eyes.
We agreed To meet in a few days to
exchange notes.
Here's How it all went.
My engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came
over he found me with a black leather bodice,
tall stillettos and a mask. He saw me
and said, 'You are The woman of my
dreams. I love you.' Then we
made passionate love all night long..
The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the
black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat
he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble
and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my
Story:
When my husband came home I was
wearing the black bra, black stockings,
stilettos And a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he
said, What's for Dinner, Batman?"
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All England games will from now on be shown on the gay network, as the sight of 11 a***holes getting hammered for 90mins is too explicit for itv and the bbc
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Apparently David Blane is raging, his record for standing around in a box for 42 days doing f*ck all has been smashed by Wayne Ronnie
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Let?s spare a thought for Michael O?Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said ?that will be one Euro please, Mr. O?Leary?.
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied ?That?s a very competitive price? and handed over his money.
...
?Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, Mr O'Leary ?? enquired the barman.
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So just how tight are Geordie coppers ? 6 hours and they still never got a round in......
I'll get my coat.......